Dialogue

Rita [chair of a 10-person community board of a community foundation]: Good morning, Sharon and Cal. Anita tells me you needed to see me today. Sounds like it’s urgent.

Sharon [Sharon and Cal are board members representing an alternative school and a sheltered workshop respectively]: Yes, Rita, Cal and I are really quite concerned about the way our board meetings are going.  Joan and Wilson couldn’t be here today, but they agree with us. 

We know you’ve tried to be tolerant about the way Mel and Sally have been behaving toward each other. Their hostile remarks to each other have made those meetings very uncomfortable. You’ve seen how they smirk or roll their eyes when the other is talking and how they interrupt each other or dismiss what the other has to say. 

We don’t have a clue why they’ve started doing this, but it’s very damaging to the board. We’re hoping you’ll find a way to make them stop.

Rita: I hear you. And I agree with you.  They’re having a bad effect on our meetings. I guess I’ve let it go to the point where I dread having to chair meetings where they’re both present.  They represent two organizations that are very important to us, so I was hoping not to alienate either of them. But I see how this problem will not fix itself or go away. You are right to bring it to me, and I agree that it’s my responsibility to address it.

I will ask Mel and Sally to meet with me this week. Thanks for giving me a shove to deal with this. Things can’t continue as they are.

Cal: Thanks for stepping up on this Rita. Keep us informed about how it’s going. The four of us care a lot about the organization, and we’d hate to quit the board. We hope it doesn’t come to that.

Rita: Of course. I’ll get back to you shortly after I meet with Mel and Sally.

Later that week

Rita: I’m glad you were both able to make time to see me today. As you know from our phone conversations, I’ve asked you to come in because several board members have expressed concern to me about how you interact with one another in our meetings. They don’t understand why you are so hostile to each other when we’re together. 

It has come to the point where it’s having an impact on our ability to function effectively as a board. I hope the three of us can find a way to deal with that. Let me repeat that your presence here is purely voluntary. I presume you both agreed to meet with me because you care about the organization.

Mel: Sally has been angry with me over something that has nothing to do with the board or the organization. It’s a private matter that I don’t wish to discuss with you.

Sally: Mel has some imagined grievance against me that he refuses to talk about. He tries to belittle me in our meetings, but I won’t be bullied. I’m just standing up for myself. Ask him why he’s so rude. Don’t look at me.

Mel: Sally is playing the innocent here. More often than not she starts it by saying something to provoke me. I can’t let that slide.

Rita: I’m not asking you to tell me why you are angry with one another, and I’m certainly not offering to conduct a therapy session. As a professional matter, both of you are creating board dysfunction with your conduct, and I hope we can agree to put a stop to it. Other members of the board have made it clear that they don’t want to put up with the way you are undermining our meetings. I can’t put up with it either. We need to resolve this today.

Sally: How are we supposed to do that?

Rita: As I see it, there are four possible outcomes. Mel, you can resign from the board, or Sally, you can resign from the board. You both can resign from the board, or you both can agree to keep your mutual anger out of our meetings. 

I would be sad to see either or both of you leave the board. You both have a commitment to the organization and you both represent organizations that are important to us. But you are undermining our board’s effectiveness. That has to stop.

Are either of you ready to resign your board seat?

Sally: I love the organization and its work. I’m not going to be the one to step away. And I won’t be driven away by Mel.

Mel: I don’t want to be the one to leave either. I have a long history with this organization and a strong commitment to it. I have no desire to resign from the board.

Rita: The only way you can both remain on the board is for you to agree to end your hostile behavior toward one another – at least in our meetings. Do you think you will be able to do that?

Sally: I’m willing to try if Mel agrees to stop attacking me in meetings.

Mel: I could say the same thing.

Rita: This will require a little more than your promises to be better. We need to talk about how you will interact with one another in our meetings going forward.

Mel: What does that mean?

Rita: I want each of you to write down in bullet points how you expect to be treated by the other in our meetings. Write it tonight and send me a copy. We will meet again in 2 days to share your statements with each other, to clarify anything you don’t understand, and to see if you can accept one another’s expectations. 

If you can agree to treat the other as that person expects to be treated, you will sign and date both statements.

If either of you violates those expectations, you will be asked to resign from the board. 

There is still some damage to repair with the rest of the board. It will help heal your relationships with other board members if you acknowledge to them that your behavior has been disruptive and that it will stop. I suggest that you do so one on one in private conversations.

Whether or not you deal with the issues that resulted in this behavior is for the two of you to decide. As long as you keep those matters out of our meetings, I will have nothing more to say about this. 

Let’s try to move forward for the good of the organization. I will be looking for your written statements tonight and we will meet again in two days. I’m hopeful we can get past this.

Mel: I feel like you’re treating me like a middle schooler. I give you my word that I’d lay off the arguments. Writing a report to you and having to sign it? You forget that I’m a volunteer who’s been on this board for a decade, not an employee. I’m not doing punishment homework and submitting it to you. So, if you can’t take my word, I will resign right now. You’ve managed to solve your problem by insulting my intelligence. 

Rita: This isn’t about your intelligence, Mel. It’s about finding a way to repair the damage the two of you have done to all our collective ability to work together as a board. In my view that means marking the ending of your hostilities in our meetings – that’s the point of the written statements. It also means acknowledging that things will be different going forward. That’s the point of the apologies to the other board members. This isn’t just about me and whether I can take your word. The rest of the board needs to hear from you that the atmosphere in our meetings will improve.

Let me remind you again that you voluntarily agreed to attend this meeting. You’ve not been asked to acknowledge the source of the problem. Your expectation statements are forward looking.

Think about it. Let me know tomorrow whether you can accept this way of going forward or whether you choose to resign from the board.

Takeaways

• Don’t let problems fester. Deal with them as soon as possible. Don’t wait for others to bring them to you.
• Don’t express anger or disgust. Keep your emotional tone neutral. Don’t become a partisan. Stay professional.
• Look to the future. Focus on a solution rather than the problem.
• Secure commitments in writing to fix the problem.
• Be clear about the consequences of failing to address the issue.
• Do what you say you will do. Don’t equivocate or backslide.